Who exactly am I? I am sitting here wondering how I became the person I am and wondering how I lost myself. But did I really lose myself? Lets look at who I was before I got married.... I don't think I was a very good person. I was selfish, I hurt my friends, I lied... a lot, I drank.... a lot, I slept around... a lot, I am not sure if I was ever faithful to a boyfriend. I am not sure what pain I was trying to numb, I remember being in pain but I think it was pain of my own making. One mistake leads to two, then three, then four, and before you know it everything about life is based on the repercussions of mistakes.
So there I am, bouncing bars and beds one month and literally the next I am army wife and not just army wife OFFICER WIFE. All of a sudden my peers are college graduate sorority girls who have filled china cabinets and go to Coffees and Teas. It was very intimidating and I made quite a few faux pas. I eventualy got the hang of it and stopped putting my foot in my mouth on a regular basis.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Who am I?
Who am I? Army wife, former Army wife, wife, mother, momma, stay at home mom. The list could go on. They all say who I am to someone else. It has been a very long time since I used a word to describe myself that was just about me. I used to call myself writer but it has been so long since I felt the creative flow of words. It is almost as if I got married and the words decided to move on to someone else.
I have been married for eleven and a half years, usualy around this time of year I go ahead and round up but this year I don't want to add that 6 months because 12 years is a very long time. I shouldn't say that I have been stagnet for those 11 and a half years. I have three beautiful children and they change daily. Their needs and wants change without notice and I need to adapt quickly. But changing as a mother is incredibly different then growing as a person. I feel almost that I haven't grown up, that under the layers of momma and wife I am still that 21 year old trying to figure things out.
I wanted certain things for myself and my children under my title of momma. I wanted 4 children and I wanted to homeschool them. That was the agreement before I said yes to the question "will you marry me?" It was also the understanding that we would spend 20 years going where the army sent us and if the army wasn't sending us somewhere we would live near family. The fact that none of that is taking place eats at my sanity. My children go to school everyday and come home with complaints that I can do nothing about, the same complaints that caused me to want to homeschool to begin with. I only have three children and while I would love to have another baby I know that it will not happen. I miss army life, but I accept that we are not a part of it. I can not come to peace that I moved away from my family a second time. I moved away from my family, sold my house, gave up everything, again, for what? Nothing has changed, things are worse, and I am unsure of what to do.
I have been married for eleven and a half years, usualy around this time of year I go ahead and round up but this year I don't want to add that 6 months because 12 years is a very long time. I shouldn't say that I have been stagnet for those 11 and a half years. I have three beautiful children and they change daily. Their needs and wants change without notice and I need to adapt quickly. But changing as a mother is incredibly different then growing as a person. I feel almost that I haven't grown up, that under the layers of momma and wife I am still that 21 year old trying to figure things out.
I wanted certain things for myself and my children under my title of momma. I wanted 4 children and I wanted to homeschool them. That was the agreement before I said yes to the question "will you marry me?" It was also the understanding that we would spend 20 years going where the army sent us and if the army wasn't sending us somewhere we would live near family. The fact that none of that is taking place eats at my sanity. My children go to school everyday and come home with complaints that I can do nothing about, the same complaints that caused me to want to homeschool to begin with. I only have three children and while I would love to have another baby I know that it will not happen. I miss army life, but I accept that we are not a part of it. I can not come to peace that I moved away from my family a second time. I moved away from my family, sold my house, gave up everything, again, for what? Nothing has changed, things are worse, and I am unsure of what to do.
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